A Fighting Chance
by writerofthejollyroger
Summary: "I swore I would hate you for good. But you of all people should of saw through it, and knew I needed you." She can't just let him go. After fifteen years, Katniss sets out to District 2 to set things right with Gale. But will it really change anything?
1. Chapter 1

"_Oh, my dear Miss Everdeen. I thought we had agreed not to lie to each other."_

_We did agree._

_I see my sister and her last word just barely forming in her lips. _Katniss. _And the bombs went off. Primrose Everdeen was thirteen years old when she died. She erupted into flames. I feel the heat radiating on my skin and when I open my eyes I release the bow string and as it hits Coin directly in the heart, I can hear a cannon go off in my head. The Hunger Games are over. _

_I turn my head to my shoulder, and bite down on hard flesh. When I look up, Peeta's blue eyes stare back at me, his hand over the violet pill. Cinna's last gift._

"_Let me go!"_

_His words are hushed and gentle. "I can't"_

_The guards are dragging me away. I'm screaming. Kicking. Biting. Fighting. Crying. _

_And I scream my last distress call. I scream to the one person who was supposed to always have my back._

"_GALE!"_

I jolt upright, and find myself hyperventilating. I feel Peeta shift next to me.

"Katniss?" he whispers. I turn and look at him, meeting his eyes. "Another nightmare?" I simply nod and he sits up and wraps his arms around me, gently rubbing my back. My breathing starts to calm down and he pulls me back down onto the bed, and positions me so my head is on his chest. I listen to the steadiness of his heartbeat, trying to match my breath with it, as he combs at my hair with his gentle fingers.

_My name is Katniss Mellark. I was in the Hunger Games. I survived. I was at war. I survived. I watched my friends and family rise and fall like the winter wheat. I am married to Peeta Mellark. I have two beautiful children. I love them. I have nightmares every night. I am the Mockingjay._

Thinking of real life calms me. Even if real life is horrible, it calms me. I hold Peeta's hands that are rested on my stomach and I drift back off to sleep.

When I wake up it is morning. Peeta isn't here. He's downstairs, baking bread for our breakfast. I yawn and sit up, slipping into my bathrobe and then walk over the window. Pulling the curtains back, I am welcomed by a ray of sunlight. I push open the windows and inhale the morning breeze that blew in the sweet air from the Meadow.

Mine and Peeta's house is no longer in the Victor's Village. I couldn't stay there. It reminded me to much of the Hunger Games. President Snow's roses still seem to lurk in the upstairs room. Our new home was built over the ruins of Madge Undersee's house, right at the border that separated the square from the Seam. I overlook the Meadow and look beyond at the evergreen trees in the woods.

It's almost as if I could smell the apple wood smoke, and the skin that smelled of oranges.

"_Happy Hunger Games!" Gale says in his high pitched voice that was supposed to mimic Effie Trinket. The berry flies into the air. "And may the odds…"_

_I catch the berry on my tongue, still remembering its sweet juice explode in my mouth before I finish the line and say, "be ever in your favor!" _

_And we would laugh, curse, and speak free about our thoughts on the Capitol, the reapings, and the Hunger Games. About how outrageous the Capitol people were, about how people at the age of 12 have to take out tesserae, and how every year twenty three children were killed in the outdoor arena for Capitol entertainment. It all seems like yesterday._

"_We could do it you know? Live on our own. You and I, we could make it," he says to me._

"Mother?"

I didn't even hear her come. The silence just sneaks up on me, but then I hear her sing song voice, and know it's alright. My black haired, blue-gray eyed daughter, wrapped up in my father's hunting jacket, with a bow and quiver on her shoulder. Her game bag is bulging, so she must have risen early, and had gone hunting before dawn.

I smile and walk over to her, taking her hands in mine. "Good morning Rina."

Rina Lavinia Mellark. Peeta agreed to name her after the red headed Avox I had met so long ago. She died because of me. Maybe if I had come to her aid she would still be here. I could have hid her in the woods. But it didn't matter now.

Rina smiles at me. "Good morning to you too," she says. "Father's downstairs with Jay, baking. He wanted me to come see if you were hungry. I just got back."

"What time did you head out?"

Rina shrugs. "About four, I think. I had to go rouse Aaron up. You know how he is in the mornings," she says, rolling her eyes. "Then we did a quick stop at the Hawthorne's and I gave Posy some berries. Then Aaron and I went and traded in the market. Which reminds me"- Rina pulls out two bottles of white liquor out of her hunting bag. –"Gotta give these to Uncle Haymitch later."

Haymitch Abernathy isn't related to Peeta or me. But I guess we have to give him props for keeping as alive those years in Games and in the war.

"Yeah, he's running low. He wasn't in a great mood when I last saw him," I frown. Rina gives out a chuckle and sticks the bottles back in her bag. I take her hands. "I need to shower and change. How about you go downstairs and help your brother and father in the kitchen?"

Rina nods and I kiss her between the eyes. Then she's gone like she wasn't there to begin with. But the faint scent of the woods she brought it remains in the air.

_I'm in the woods again, several weeks after my homecoming. The past few weeks had been busy of course, with ceremonies, banquets, photo shoots. There was also helping my mother and Prim move into our new house in the Victor's Village. But now I am in the woods. It's warm out so I don't need my hunting jacket, but my hunting boots are on, and my old clothes. My game bag is full of food. It wasn't scarce anymore. It felt good seeing Prim go to bed every night on a full stomach._

_I just sat there. Waiting. It felt like eternity, when it had only been a few hours. Reality hurt. I hated reality. What the Games had done. I remember thinking, "He hates me, and he wants nothing to do with me." My best friend. The one person I could tell anything too. The one who knows me the best. He hates me and has left me. Just like everything else from my past._

_There I sat, with tears streaming down my face, a large lump in my throat forming. I have to get out of these woods. There are too many memories. I wipe my eyes and pull my bag over my shoulder and look up. There he is, right there. Ten feet away from me. He's probably been there for hours, just watching me. I should be mad. But, I remember dropping everything, and running into his arms, letting out this strange sound, mixed between a laugh and a sob. There we stood for the longest time, until I started to hiccup and he let go so I could sip some water._

_I had hopes that things would go back to normal. We did what we always did. Ate, hunted, fished, and gathered. We even talked about the town. Not about the Games, or the mines. Just about other things. When we walked back, I was so happy. We walked side by side, and we listened to each other. _

_He has his game bag slung over his shoulder and I know he's headed for the Hob. I should get home though. Prim and my mother would need me there tonight. I open my mouth to tell him when he cupped my face into his hands and he kissed me. His lips were warm, and I remember my fingers begining curling on his chest, when he pulled away._

"_I had to do that. At least once," Gale had said. And then like Rina, he was suddenly gone._

I dry my hair in a towel and braid it back wet, before I slip into some clothes. I hear their laughter downstairs, and I step down into the kitchen. Jayden Cinna Mellark sits on his stool with flour in his hair and all over his face, while his sister stands next to him laughing. Peeta pulls out a warm loaf of bread from the oven and sets it on the table.

"Mommy!" my five year old son says aloud. He jumps up, and toddles over to me, his blond curls bouncing as he races into my arms. I grin and lift him up as he jumps and steal a kiss on his nose.

"There's my little Mockingjay," I smile at him. He grins and as Peeta walks over to me, he jumps out of my arms to chase old Buttercup around the kitchen.

"Morning Katniss," he says. He kisses me gently.

"Morning yourself," I smile, kissing his cheek.

He smiles and leads me to a stool next to Rina, and as Jayden scrambles by, I scoop him up and prop him up next to me as Peeta slices up the bread. My boy with the bread.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games. Suzanne Collins does!**

_I felt her kick for the first time when I was in the Meadow. It was a tiny kick, but I remember the fear and terror that started to kick in. _

_It was a few weeks after I got married when I felt her stirring inside of me. _

_As the small thud hit the walls of my womb I remember stopping dead in my tracks, my hand to my stomach. I exchanged looks with Peeta and he knew too. _

_This wasn't like the fake pregnancy I played in the arena. This was real. _

"_I'm going to be a father. Real or not real?" Peeta asked me._

_I gave his hand a squeeze. "Real."_

_It took forever to decide on a name. I thought about naming her Primrose or Rue. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I didn't want my child to carry the burden I did, by dreaming of their deaths every night. _

_Peeta, as usual, came to my aid. He said that our children should have a fresh start. They should be given the honor to make their own name glorious, and not feel the urge to live up to the Victor Parent standards. So she was given a simple, yet beautiful name. Rina Lavinia Mellark. _

_I had to name her after Lavinia. After watching her be abducted in the woods, after hearing her make her final scream and sound, after learning she died because of me, it was the least I could do. Peeta couldn't agree more._

We were sitting by the fire that evening. Peeta was poking at the embers with a stick while Jayden was dosing off in my arms. Rina is eating strawberries that she had harvested in the woods earlier today, and fiddling with a piece of rope that she's practicing with to make snares. Then question comes then.

"The Hunger Games came in your favor because you were both brought together. Real or not real?" Rina asks.

Peeta stops what he's doing, and I stop rocking my chair. Jayden's asleep anyways. Rina turns her head, looking at Peeta, then me. "Real or not real?" she asks again, biting her knuckles.

Peeta smiles and leans over to kiss her forehead. "Real."

Rina smiles and nods her approval before she looks at me. "Mum?"

"_Katniss it's just hunting. You're the best hunter I know. You know how to kill."_

"_Not people."_

"_How different can it really be?" he had said grimly._

_Then the Peacekeeper came to tell us our time was up. He asked for more time but they were already dragging him away. I remember the fear beginning to sink in as they began to pull me away from my best friend._

"_DON'T LET THEM STARVE!" I scream._

"_I won't! You know I won't! And Katniss remember I—"_

_The door slammed shut. I was alone. And until this day, I still do not know what he wanted me to remember. _

Were the odds really ever in my favor? I lost about all of the people I loved to the Games and to the Capitol. Cinna. Prim. Boggs. Rue. Finnick. Madge.

The Games took Gale away from me too. The woods have that feeling of emptiness now, when I don't have my hunting partner at my side. It gets harder for me to hunt as these years go by.

But I don't need fire. I need a dandelion. Something beautiful, something hopeful, and something that will always be there every spring. Peeta gives that to me.

I smile at Rina, and smooth Jayden's hair as he sleeps. "Real."

Rina's blue gray eyes flicker at me and she nods, going back to the snare, her careful fingers setting the trap. I watch her as she retrieves on of her arrows. She pokes the arrow into the snare and is shuts. She smiles in approval. That's when the tears begin to come.

"Um… I'm going to put Jayden to bed. I'll see you upstairs," I say to Peeta, in barely a whisper.

He gives me a look of worry. He knows that voice, but he doesn't say anything because Rina is in the room. He just stands and gives Jayden a quick kiss on the forehead and then he touches my cheek, kissing me softly. "I'll be up soon."

I nod and look at Rina. "Go wash up dear. It's getting late."

I ascend up the flight of stairs and lay Jayden on his mattress, tucking the blanket up to his neck, before I kiss him good night. Then, I enter my room, and I burst into tears.

I hate crying. Why am I crying now?

_It was a Sunday in October. The cool forest air and fog lingered all around me, and I was going home. That's when I saw it. A dead rabbit hanging from its neck in a wire that. Nearby there was another._

_I stepped closer to examine the switch up snares. I remember my father giving me a brief lesson on how they worked. I reached out to the snare to get a closer look when the voice came._

"_That's dangerous."_

_I spun around and saw him come out from behind a tree. He had been watching me. I recognized him from school, and he wandered the Seam a lot. But this was also the boy who I had saw in the Justice Building just a few years ago, receiving a medal of valor for being the eldest child. His father died in the same mine explosion as mine._

"_What's your name?" Gale asked me._

"_Katniss…"_

"_Well Catnip, stealing is punishable by death if you hadn't heard."_

"Katniss._ And I wasn't stealing it. I wanted to see your snare. Mine never catch anything."_

I found myself sitting at the window, looking out at the woods. I could hear the laughter of the two kids who met in the woods. They were inseparable. Best friends. Sometimes I wonder if I would of married him, if things hadn't gone the way they did at the reaping.

But in the midst of my tears I realize how much I missed him.

**I really hope you're not getting bored. I've got so much more coming! Just stay with me. **

**Katniss Everdeena**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games. Suzanne Collins does. Bear with me. :)**

"_Who would your best friend be?" Cinna asked._

_Easy. "Gale." I don't even give the name a second thought. But then I say, "Only it doesn't make sense Cinna. I would never be telling Gale those things about me. He already knows them."_

I came home from the square and find Rina and Peeta watching recaps of my interview during the Hunger Games. I freeze in the doorway, staring at the screen. There I am, in that radiant dress of gems, twirling for Claudius. For Cinna.

It's like I am looking at him in the audience again, spinning his fingers as a twirl. What happened to those days?

"_Oh do that again!" _Claudius says in the screen.

I watch myself stumble a bit in his arms and I'm giggling._ "I can't, I'm dizzy."_

Then the screen changes and the audience are clapping. I appear on the stage in a white wedding gown. The audience goes silent, in oohs and awes. I remember the audience being so upset, how heart breaking it is, that the star crossed lovers won't have their wedding. The star crossed lovers cannot both live.

"_So Katniss, obviously this is a very emotional night for everyone. Is there anything you'd like to say?"_

I bite my lip as I stare at the screen. Rina's holding her knees, and Peeta has his arm around her. In the screen I speak. _"Only that I'm so sorry you won't get to be at my wedding… But I'm glad you at least got to see me in my dress. Isn't it just… the most beautiful thing?" _I watch myself stand up and slowly twirl for the crowd. And the crowd starts screaming. Not because of the beauty for Cinna's dress, but smoke is rising from my body. From fire. Not the fire that I was wearing on my costume during the chariot ride, because this is more real. The flames erupt from all over and the white dress burns away. I'm turning black as I swirl. But I never stopped because I trust Cinna on what he was doing. The camera goes to the screen on the stage. I'm not naked. I'm in a black dress, the same style as my wedding dress but when I lifted my arms I have wings. I hear Rina gasp when she sees me in my true form. A mockingjay.

_The three Peacekeepers burst through the door. Two of them pin Cinna's arms behind his back and they cuff him. The other hits him in the head, knocking him to the ground. But they don't stop. They cut up his face and body wearing the spiked gloves. I'm pounding at the glass, screaming and crying. I am useless. I watch Cinna's limp, bloody body be dragged away and am staring at the pool of blood on the floor as I begin to descend. _

"TURN IT OFF!" I scream, with tears flowing down my face.

Peeta and Rina jerk around on the couch and they see me.

I'm a wreck. I'm sobbing and hyperventilating as I race over to the television. I punch the power button and the screen goes black. I rip the video tape out and throw it across the room. It flies between Rina and Peeta and hits the wall, smashing into pieces.

"How dare you?" I scream. Peeta stands up, slowly walking over to me. He touches my shoulder, trying to calm be down. I smack his hand away and scream again. "HOW DARE YOU?" I put my head in my hands, pushing all of my hair back, at the same time trying not to yank it from my scamp.

Peeta mouths something to Rina and she leaves the room. I listen to the fast paces move up the stairs and hear her bedroom door shut. I slump to the wall, sliding to the floor with my head between my knees. My sleeves are wet, and I'm a wreck. I can't breathe.

Peeta kneels beside me, stroking my hair and I flail my arms, brushing him away. "Just go!" He hesitates and I scream, grabbing a piece of the shattered tape and throw it at him. It barely misses him, just grazing his shoulder. "GO AWAY! JUST GO AWAY!"

"I can't…" Peeta says.

_I'm in the square again. I just shot Coin. I'm going for my nightlock pill when I bite down on flesh and there Peeta is. I beg him to let me go. _

"_I can't…"_

_And as they drag me away, I'm screaming his name again. _

"_GALE!"_

I'm sitting there in our spot in the woods. Waiting. It's been hours. I know this because the sun is no longer in the sky. What am I waiting for when I know he won't come? He's in District 2. He'll never come back. He'll be in District 2 forever. I just know it.

But I still look up, and think I'll see him standing there just a few yards from me. Thinking his strong arms will be open and that their just waiting for me to go in them again; the scent of snowy leather, and apples, oranges, and smoke filling the air around me, just waiting to be absorbed.

I'd do anything to feel that essence come back to me.

But when I look up, all I see are trees. And up above I hear the mockingjays singing high above in the canopy. She will never leave me; even though she's not walking in the same world as I. "Hi Rue…" I say in a whisper. The mockingjays sing her four note melody. I don't know how they know it. So it can only mean she's there. She's still singing with them. I whistle back.

_Sing._

I sigh and clench my fists, pulling myself together.

"_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true. Here is the place where I love you."_

Even with that one line, the forest falls silent. Rue is gone. I am alone. The forest is nice tonight though. The air is cool, and there are wildflowers blossoming all around me. I lay down in the field and close my eyes. There was another time the woods were this beautiful. And with it became a final battle cry.

_It came out of nowhere. The Capitol hovercraft. _

_Gale and I dove behind a low branch, ducking our heads low enough so we could see, but our predator couldn't. They looked as if they had been running for a long time. Lavinia and the boy, who I still don't know the name, were running through the woods. They had that Capitol look. Even under the layer of grime, I could still almost see the porcelain skin. There was also their torn silk and linen clothing. The hover craft came and the spear entered his stomach. I remember flinching, and lean closer to Gale, and she sees me. Her eyes are widened and she lets out a scream for help as the net falls on her. My hand is at my belt, my fingers enclosing on the knife that would cut her free when Gale stops me. Lavinia and the boy are pulled up into the hovercraft and they're gone._

It's night time when I reach the Meadow. District 12 is silent tonight. The mockingjays never started to sing again. All lights are out probably due to electricity failure. We still have it, even after the Capitol was overthrown. I look up at my home, and see Jayden and Rina's bedroom window. It glows from candle light, but I can see three shadows from behind the curtain. I see a small figure sitting on the bed, two taller ones standing over him. Jayden, Rina, and Peeta. I'm not there to kiss Jayden goodnight. Rina is. I should be there though, but maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe I don't belong in District 12 anymore. Maybe I should have left when I still had the chance. Maybe I should have fled to the woods that day of the reaping. Prim's fate would still have been the same. Either in the arena or being blown to bits. But Gale wouldn't be in District 2. I wouldn't feel the burden of hate because he helped make that bomb. He would be with me, by my side, just like he should be now. We would be happy.

I don't go to my house with Peeta. I don't go to my house in the Victor's Village. I don't even go to my ruined house in the Seam. Instead, I find myself in the empty lot, where the Hob once stood.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games. Suzanne Collins does!**

When I came home, it was about a half an hour before dawn of the next day. I had sat in the lot all night. Doing what? Crying. Seems that that's the only think I'm good at these days.

I pushed the kitchen door open, finding Rina cleaning a nice looking hare. She looks up at me as the door opens. We stare at each other for the longest time, not saying anything. There's only one thing in her eyes. I've seen it before, in another pair of Seam eyes. Betrayal. I saw it in Gale's eyes for the longest of time when I came home.

"_Don't you see? It's happening! It's finally happening! If there's an uprising in District Eight, why not here? Why not everywhere? This could be it, the thing we've—" _

"_Stop it! You don't know what you're saying! The Peacekeepers outside of Twelve, they're not like Darius, or even Cray! The lives of district people — they mean nothing to them!"_

"_That's why we have to join the fight!" His tone is hard._

"_No! We have to leave before they kill us and a lot of other people too!" I yell. What's happening? Why doesn't he understand?_

_Gale pushes past me. "You leave then. I'd never go in a million years." He throws Cinna's gloves at my feet. "I changed my mind. I don't want anything they made in the Capitol."_

"Rina…" I stammer.

She looks away, not meeting my eyes. "I just wanted to know. I wanted to see." Her grip tightens on her knife. "I'm sick of this, you and your tantrums. I know your past was hard! I understand it hurts sometimes, but you've got to move on! You really hurt Dad! You hurt me! You hurt Jayden too! What was I supposed to tell him when you weren't here? _Hmm?_" Rina says in a hurtful tone.

I seem too hurt people a lot; during the past and in the present. I walk over to her and touch her cheek. Rina moves away. "You don't understand… It haunts me every day; The Games, my best friends dying left and right. I watch Prim die in my dreams every night Rina."

"Don't think that I don't know what it's like to take life. I hunt every morning. I kill living beings too. So animal or human? What difference does it make?" Her eyes turn a deep shade of gray, and she stabs her knife deep into the wood counter.

Those words haunt me. They have for the past fifteen years. Those words will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I say nothing in return. All of my words are lost. Rina doesn't say anything either. She just slips into my father's hunting jacket, and walks out the door. I tightly close my eyes to stop myself from bawling my eyes out. I've done enough of that. Instead, I walk into the living room to retrieve the one thing that may actually help me. Peeta and I hung it over the fireplaces when we first constructed out home. I decided it was time for it to become of good use again.

I walk over the hearth and retrieve Finnick Odair's piece of rope. The rope he used to tie knots, when dark memories crept into his mind. I take the rope in my hands and sit down by the fire. I begin to tie at the knots, humming _The Hanging Tree _as I worked.

What happened to Finnick Odair wasn't right. He died because of me though. Because of that stupid vendetta to kill Snow. I lost the people I love because of it. Maybe if I just played by my own Hunger Games then he would still me alive. If I had just let Peeta die in that arena and be crowned victor. Then I would have come home, and Prim and Gale would have been there waiting. But there would still be a Hunger Games. But my children would have been safe because they wouldn't have been conceived.

Great, now I feel selfish. I force myself to tie more knots until my fingers bled raw. I'll just sit here forever and tie these knots. I'll bleed to death out of my hands, but maybe I wouldn't even notice.

"You're back."

I look up and Peeta stands there in his apron. He's staring at me with those intense blue eyes. His tone is steady, but I can see the hurt in his eyes. Hurt that I am always causing. Maybe it was better if he had stayed hijacked. He wouldn't have to remember me; or maybe if I had just died when I was shot at, at District 2.

"Katniss, are you even hearing me?"

I'm not. I'm tying knots again, and I'm bleeding out of about thirteen blisters. Peeta sighs and grabs a wet cloth from the kitchen. I just sit there like a soulless body, as he washes my face and hands. Under all of the grime, there are bags under my eyes. My face still feels puffed up from all of my crying. And to top it all off, my hands hurt. But I can't blame anyone but myself.

"This is about Gale… Isn't it?" Peeta says quietly.

"I don't want to talk about this right now," I say. The voice sounds so robotic. It's almost like I'm not there. Who knows, maybe I'm dead.

"Katniss, you can't do this to yourself."

"Yes I can. I deserve it," I say in a hollowed voice.

Peeta shakes his head and puts his hand on the side of my face. I press my face to is, and put my hand above his. "You deserve a long happy life."

"Do I?" I ask.

He smiles and kisses me gently. "Would I ever lie to you?"

But sometimes… I hate the truth.

"_Katniss…"_

"_Don't," I say. I know this voice. It's the one he uses when he approaches wounded animals, before he delivers a deathblow. _

_But Gale says it anyway. "Katniss, there is no District Twelve."_

"I… I think I need to get away for a while," I tell Peeta. I must. I might go insane don't. All of the memories, they're coming back to life. I can't stay here for another day. Flight is essential.

"I agree…" he says. "But you're going to come back. Real or not real?"

I don't know how to reply. Everything is haunting me as I walk through the streets. I live next to a graveyard. The nightmares… the flashbacks… it's all coming back too fast and I have to get away. That's the easy part. But can I face coming back again?

Peeta is hurt. I can see it. He takes me hands though, and begins to trace over my blisters with his fingers. "You love me. Real or not real?"

I look up at him. This boy, he kept me going. He's still keeping me going. He's the light in my darkness. He's the one who came and never left. I take his hands in mine. "Real."

"Then let me go with you.."

"I… can't." He looks away and I touch his cheek, turning his head at me. "You have to stay here, with Rina and Jayden."

"You're leaving us…"

"No Peeta… please… I just. I have to go for a few days. . Return a few things that I borrowed. Clear up some things with a few people."

"You're going to see Gale, aren't you?"

I slowly nod. "I'm going to go to District Four to see Annie and Johanna." Johanna Mason moved into Annie's large home that Finnick had left behind for her and their young son. They were supposed to return to it after the war, only he didn't make it back. Johanna came in his place. Annie needed her. Johanna needed someone too. She needed to be away from Seven, like I need to be away from Twelve.

"I want Johanna to come with me to District Eleven, the Capitol, and then yes, to Two. To see Gale. I can't do it by myself and… I just don't think…" My voice trailed off.

"I know Katniss. I don't feel I should go either, if you're going to see Gale. I understand," he says. "I love you. You can go. You need too." Peeta looks at me, forcing a smile.

I kiss him. "I'll see you soon enough."

* * *

><p>"I swear you don't deserve that boy. You've hurt him… oh I lost count," Haymitch says, chugging a bottle of liquor.<p>

"Shut up."

"Truth hurts, sweetheart."

Sometimes I wonder why I ever come visit him. I guess because he seems to understand me, and he's never been wrong. It infuriates me. Sometimes I wonder why he hasn't fallen over dead yet. He'll probably drink himself into eternal sleep one of these days. Great Katniss, more selfishness! You're on a roll.

"I'm just going to visit a few people. I haven't seen Johanna or Annie—"

"Sweetheart, we both know this isn't about Annie and Johanna. This is about that pretty cousin of yours. Well camera cousin. Still can't get over him?" he says, popping open another bottle and bring it to his lips. Well… seconds later it's on the floor, because I've slapped it out of his hand.

"You're such a jerk."

Haymitch smirks. "Something will never change."

I really need to get away. I burst out the door, slamming it in his face as he laughs. Hopefully my next visit won't be so difficult.

I take one of the back roads and climb over the wooden fence to the Seam. She's there in the yard as always, washing. Hazelle Hawthorne. Her gray hair is braided behind her, her wrinkled and old hands working at the washboard. She doesn't notice me at first. It's Posy who sees me, as she walked out the door as I reach the gate.

"Katniss!" she exclaims. She runs up to me and throws her skinny arms around me, like Prim would do. I laugh and return the hug as Hazelle looks up, watching us.

"Posy, you best get going, I need help with supper." Hazelle always seems to know when something is up. I mouth _thanks_ to her, and she simply nods as Posy lets go.

"I've got to pick up a few things in the Square," she says. "It's nice seeing you Katniss. I wish you'd come around more often." I bet she did. Even as a young woman, Posy never got out. She was the only child who hadn't left the house. I know she never will either, even after Hazelle is gone.

As soon as she leaves, Hazelle up and I immediately throw my arms around her. "I've got to get away Hazelle. I can't be here anymore. I have to see him!" And once again I'm sobbing. Hazelle rubs me back like she knew this was coming all along.

"Katniss, it's alright."

I shake my head. "I'm so selfish, Hazelle. I shouldn't have treated him the way I did. He hates me. He'll always hate me! And you know what? I don't blame him."

Hazelle shakes her head. "Gale does not hate you."

"Then why didn't he ever come back? Why did he just leave, and never come back? I thought he knew me! I can't let him go. After everything that happened and it took me this long to realize it! I am selfish Hazelle."

"Stop it Katniss. Things happened the way they did, and I can't change it, you can't change it, and Gale cannot change it. Ever. So stop blaming yourself." She lets me go, and takes my hand, leading me into the house. There's a hot kettle of tea on the table. She pours me a cup, and hands me a bread roll. "Try this." I bite into it, and I almost want to spit it out. The dry, almost tasteless bread layers my tongue. I start coughing and start swallowing tea. This isn't bread from the bakery. This wasn't made by my boy with the bread.

"It's tesserae grain, isn't it?" I say at last.

Hazelle simply nods. "That it is. And you and I would have both starved without it, all those many years ago. The Capitol and Hunger Games gave us tesserae; food that barely kept our stomachs at satisfaction. But it took sacrifice, for we had to gamble our lives to the Games. But look at Prim. She didn't take any tesserae. She still was drawn as tribute. We cannot predict whatever happens in life, Katniss. You of all people should know that." Hazelle takes something down from the top shelves. It's wrapped, but by the shape, I know what it is. Gale's bow. "Return this to him, when you go to District Two."

I take the packaged bow and nod sadly. Then I throw my arms around her one last time. "I have to go Hazelle. My train leaves in an hour. I haven't even packed. I haven't even told Rina or Jayden." I lose my voice and Hazelle touches my shoulder. "I'm such a horrible mother."

"_I never want to have kids," I said._

_He shrugs. "I might. If I didn't live here."_

_Irritation enters my voice. "But you do."_

_Gale snaps back, "Forget it."_

"Mommy, where are you going?" Jayden whines. He reaches out to me helplessly, trying to escape from Peeta's arms, because I think he knows I am going, no matter what I'm told.

I kiss him on the forehead. "I need to visit someone. A few someones actually. But I'll be back soon. You won't even notice I'm gone," I smile reassuringly. He only frowns, and pokes my cheek. I sigh and ruffle his hair, kissing his cheeks. "Be a strong Mockingjay for me, baby? For mommy!" Jayden replies with a small nod, as I turn to Peeta. I immediately, cup his face in my hands, kissing him deeply. "I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you soon," he smiles.

I nod and turn to Rina. She hasn't said a thing to me. Her arms are crossed and a scowl is on her face. Her black wavy hair is all combed over her right shoulder, and she's still wrapped in my father's jacket. I gently take her hands and I can tell she's trying not to pull away. "Please understand that I need to do this. I'm not leaving forever. I'll be back…"

She looks at me. "Promise?"

I nod and she closes her eyes, a few tears falling from the corners of her eyes. I wrap my arms around her, kissing her head. "I love you so much, Rina."

"_Now boarding to District 4! Please have your boarding pass present."_

"That's you Katniss," Peeta says.

I nod and pull away from Rina. The train arrives at the station, and only a handful of people are there at the line. Not many people in Twelve venture outside the district. I sigh and collect my things, and walk into the sliding doors. I turn and wave a goodbye. "I love you all." I wave to them until they are out of sight.

I walk through the aisle of seats until I reach my compartment. I stow my bags and sit down, pressing my head to the window. Soon I'll be seeing him again. Soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games! Suzanna Collins does. :D**

"Katniss _freaking _Mellark!" Johanna says as she opens the door. "What are you doing here?" She opens her arms.

I chuckle and give her a big hug. "That's… a long story."

Johanna crosses her arms and smirks. "Yeah, you've got fifteen years' worth of storytelling to do. You better start talking."

"What, you aren't going to invite me in?"

Johanna scoffs. "I don't know if you deserve to come in and dirty our floors with your coal worn shoes… buuuuut, I think Annie will wanna see you." She gives me a small smirk and moves aside, opening the door wider. I walk in, and immediately fall into a trance. The house is… indescribable. The pearl white tile floors are shining, and they make a tap as Johanna walks around on it in her high heels. A red rug extends from the door and leads to the top of the stairs. I slowly sit on a cushioned seat by the door to take my shoes off.

"This is…"

"Breathtaking? Yeah, I still can't get over it, and I've been here since after the war. That stupid war I couldn't even fight in. Stupid Coin. Stupid training. Stupid water." Johanna looks like she hadn't showered in a few days, by the forms of grease in her brown hair. But her hazel eyes were as vibrant as ever. But I have to admit, she looks a bit ridiculous in these fancy clothes with greasy tangled hair. But she's still Johanna.

"Johanna? Who is it?" I hear Annie call from upstairs.

Johanna smirks. "Why don't you come see for yourself, Odair!" she yells back.

Annie emerges from behind a white wall, and her hands tighten around the railing as she sees me. "Katniss?" she says uncertainly. She then laughs and she stares off before she comes back. "Katniss! It is you!" She races down the stairs, still in her nightgown, which seems to be on backwards, but I forget that when her arms are around me. "What are you doing here?" she asks me.

Johanna looks at Annie and points her head at a small living area. There are red couches around a dark mahogany framed table, with a glass top. There's a white vase with different colored primroses inside. I look away from it immediately and look up at the hearth, with small flames inside. Above it is a large wedding portrait, painted by Peeta himself. I stare up at the smiling newlyweds, feeling like it all had happened yesterday. There they are, holding hands, Annie in one of my dresses from the Victory Tour, and Finnick Odair, smiling back at me, his intense eyes watching. I sigh at Peeta's masterpiece, resisting the urge to touch the oil painting, because I know Finnick really isn't there.

"Um… we should sit down," I say.

Johanna leads Annie to a couch, while I sit in the one on the opposite side. I stare at the ground for a moment before I speak. "I'm just going to come right out and say it. I want to see District 11 again. I want to see the Capitol, and the arenas… and… I want to go to District 2."

Johanna is staring at me, and Annie puts her hands over her ears to block out the world. "Y-You want to see Gale? Are you sure that's a good idea, Katniss?"

I nod. "I need to Johanna. I owe him a lot, even if I hate saying it. But I hate debts that don't go unpaid. And I need to see Rue's home again. I need to see the arenas, and the Capitol. I need to see the place where Prim last stood. Then I need to see Gale. At least once I have too."

Johanna listens intensively. "So what's the catch, Mellark?"

"You're coming with me, Mason."

Johanna is silent for a moment. Then, she exchanges looks with Annie, and her hands come away from her ears. Then Johanna looks at me and offers her hand. I grin and shake it. "Can't leave my ally on her own now, can I?" she smirks. "Now start talking. I want to hear this fifteen year long story."

"Yes, yes!" Annie chimes in. "We have a lot of catching up to do, ever since the wedding!"

_My wedding was said to be perfect. _

_Peeta had proposed on a fine spring day. It was the nicest day we had had all year after the snow finally melted. The sun was warm and the grass was nice and cool when he got down on his knee and asked for my hand in marriage. How could I say no? So as if on cue, mockingjays sang my answer to his asking. _

_My wedding was a month later. Effie had planned the entire wedding so everything would go perfectly and on time. Flavius, Octavia, and Venia of course helped me into my dress that Cinna had long ago designed. They had been saving it for the right time. It was magnificent, with the flowing white gems and pearls, and the silky fabric. They had braided a crown of primroses into my hair, the same flower that we had used for my bouquet and the decorations. Johanna had been my maid of honor since everyone else who would have been originally was dead. But now that I think I would have picked her either way. I had Enobaria, Posy, and Annie also as my bridesmaids. It worked out well. My mother came as well, to walk with me down the aisle to give me away. Haymitch had been Peeta's best man, which had taken some extreme convincing._

_It was all set up in the Meadow. Peeta and I had said our vows and signed the marriage papers. Then Greasy Sae had set up a feast with a few of the gourmet cooks who came from the Capitol. I always wonder how that went. _

_When we finally got to the toasts, Peeta had used his charming way of speaking to say a speech about me. I stood up there with him, holding his hand. It was when we rose our glasses I saw him. I looked out at the woods and saw a last quick glance at Gale before he had disappeared into the trees._

_I somehow managed to get away for a brief moment when the dancing began. I made some up a weird excuse and took off to the woods in my wedding dress. I kept going, pacing myself through the dark woods that I knew like the back of my hand. I finally got to our spot, but he was gone. In our spot, where we ate and cursed the Capitol, was almost emptiness. For what had sat in Gale's place was his bow, and with it, a small envelope with my name written on the front. _

_The tears were coming then. He came for me. I didn't want him to but he did. Then he left. I realized then how much I had wanted him to stay. I crumpled the envelope and stuffed it into a hollowed tree log and somehow got back to the wedding. After the party, I returned the bow to Hazelle later that night, and made up a story about how I had meant to give it to her on my wedding day. Nobody knew about Gale being here. And I never even bothered to see him since._

_My Perfectly Imperfect Wedding…_

Rina was born nine months after my wedding. Jayden came ten years later. I told Annie and Johanna about how they were doing, how Peeta was. I told them about how District 12 was holding up. But I left out all of the pain I was truly in.

* * *

><p>District 11 had changed a lot since I had last been here on the Victory Tour. The barbed, chain linked fences were replaced with wooden rail fences, but that was just to keep out unwanted animals out of the crops. There was a better trading system in Panem now, so nobody was starving anymore. Everyone was well fed now, and as we came into the Square, it wasn't guarded with the cruel Peacekeepers. There were authorities of course, called Peacecreators, and they had attitudes like Darius had. Laid back. They only came when there was real trouble. Part of our new Republic of Panem thing.<p>

Before we had left the Odair's house, Johanna had called and arranged our ride for when we arrived in District 11. As soon as we got off of the train, we had a chauffeur waiting with a car. Cars were incredibly pricy but each District had one for the authorities and so forth. We had our driver take us to Rue's family.

I was shaking in the car. I don't know why I was so nervous. What is they didn't remember me? Of course they would remember me. Everyone, in Panem knew who the girl on fire was. But I'm more than that to Rue's family. We drive through the fields until we reach the orchards when our driver stops the car at a very tiny thatch house. Johanna and I get out of the car and we walk up to the door when it opens. One of Rue's sisters stands in the doorway holding a baby. She stares at us for a long time. "Katniss Mellark? W-What are you doing here?" she asks with an anxious tone.

"We… we came for a visit." I point to Johanna. "This is Johanna Mason, she was a Victor and was in the Quarter Quell with me—"

"Yes, yes. Everyone knows who you are," she says. "I'm Basil, and this is Rose, my daughter. She was born last week."

"It's nice to see you again Basil," I say, glad to finally know her name.

Basil nods. "Come inside," she says. Johanna walks in first, and I follow after her. Basil shuts the door and we stand in a tiny living area. There are a three sleeping mats arranged in the room, along with a crib that Basil sets Rose in. "Father passed two winters ago, and mother did just two months after. Mercy and April are married now. Autumn and June still live here, but are working. They'll return this evening."

I look at Johanna. "We can stay until then. We have a lot of catching up to do anyways."

Autumn and June return around six o'clock with fresh produce which Basil cooks outside, while June tends to Rose.

When dinner if cooked, we all sit around the fire. Johanna practically picks at her vegetables throughout dinner, like it's going to mutate and eat her. Autumn, June, and Basil watch me as I reach into my pocket and pull out my gold mockingjay pin. June and Autumn gasp, but Basil just stares at it. "Rue admired this, as you probably already know from the Games," I say, spinning the pin through my fingers. "Because of this pin, we became allies. I offered to give it to her, but she wouldn't take it," I say quietly. "I was hoping you could take me to where she is buried… So I can give it to her."

Everyone has basically stopped eating, except Johanna, who hasn't really eaten anything at all. But she stopped playing with her vegetables. Basil bites her lip and stands up. "Come with me, Katniss." She extends her hand, which I take, and she helps pull me to my feet. She lights a torch with the flames from the fire, and leads us into the night. We walk through the orchard for about fifteen minutes before Basil comes to a halt at one of the ridges that looks out at the wheat fields. There was Rue's headstone right before my eyes.

I get down on my knees, tracing my fingers on the outline of her name, and the dates of her birth and death. "Rue, it's me, Katniss. Katniss Everdeen," I say. I say this because Katniss Everdeen and Katniss Mellark are two very different people. I reach into my pocket and take out my pin. "I want you to have this," I say. I gently set it down on the lump of dirt before the grave stone. "You gave me hope Rue. I couldn't have been the mockingjay without you." I then stand up, and place my three fingers to my mouth and point them to her. Then I turn around to look at Basil. The mockingjays sing Rue's melody, and I whistle back.

"She's saying thank you…"


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Hunger Games" Suzanne Collins does. (: **

Effie, Octavia, Venia, and Flavius were all there to pick us up when Johanna and I got off of the train in the Capitol. It's weird seeing them all looking the same as always. I guess the Capitol has their ways to endless youth. Maybe I should recommend Haymitch…

Effie and my prep team moved back to the Capitol after the war, so now they were back to being all bubbly and cheery. When Johanna and I step off of the train we're swarmed up into hugs and kisses. Octavia is bawling her eyes out in happiness, her skin a bright shade of pink. Effie and I give each other quick hugs, and she adjusts her new white and silver wig. Her lips are bright blue and her makeup is all sparkly. Her diamond moon earrings dangle off of her ears.

"I was getting worried that the train would be late!" she squeaks. "But it came at the last second!" It literally did.

Good ole Effie, always making sure we are on schedule. Johanna groans and pulls on a pair of sunglasses. "Well are we just going to _stand _here?" she grumbles. "It's hot out!"

"Quit complaining," I say. "Where too first, Effie? Johanna told you my intentions." I turn to Johanna. "You did right?"

"They're here aren't they?" Johanna scowled. "You better of arranged some car with air conditioning. It's hotter than hell."

"Oh here!" Flavius exclaims. He pulls up his sleeve, revealing about three patches stuck onto his forearm. "They help keep you cool!" he exclaims, peeling one off and sticking it onto Johanna's hand.

She raised her eyebrow and poked at it, but shrugged in satisfaction. I nodded at Flavius as well, because he actually got her to shut up. I was beginning to get the urge of shoving her face into her breakfast when we were still on the train. We get into the car and then drive to Effie's apartment for lunch. When food is served on the dining table, Johanna immediately starts grabbing food like a hungry kid from the Seam. I find myself not very hungry, so I order a glass of hot chocolate and walk out to the balcony. I support my elbows onto the stone railing and rest my head into my palms, listening to the noisy streets below me.

"Mind if I join you, Katniss?"

I turn around and I see Effie leaning against the side of the doorway. I simply nod and in a swift movement she walks over next to me. "I'm nervous about today," I admit

"You don't have to do this, darling. I can always canc—"

"I have to do this Effie. For me," I say. I swallow the rest of my hot cocoa, which is a lot, and it burns my throat. I let out a cough and leave the balcony. It feels as if the air is strangling me.

* * *

><p>When we drive through the gates that say "74th Hunger Games Memorial" my stomach immediately turns. What was I thinking, visiting the grounds of the arena? Well it's not exactly an arena anymore, they've made memorials and used them for animal conservation, but this is the very dirt that I bled on, the dirt that I watched my fellow tributes bleed and die on. I shudder and the car comes to a halt. We park by the lake and all get out. I turn around in circles a lot, just staring at the surroundings. It's like I can see Cato running through the trees, the mutts behind him. This is the ground where Peeta and I waited for Cato, to give the final deathblow. But the Gamemakers had other ideas. I turn around and look at the ground where the Cornucopia would be, but all that's there is a soft patch of grass with a plaque bolted to the ground, surrounded by flowers. "74th Hunger Games Bloodbath" was all it read. But those four words brought back the haunting memories.<p>

The fight for the backpack. Clove throwing a knife at me, barely missing me. The cannon fires. Then it comes to the end of Games when Cato, Peeta, the mutts, and I had our own little Bloodbath. I force my eyes shut but the images are there so I have to open them again. "Let's move on," I whisper to Johanna. We head back for lake and walk around it for a while, on the very sand where the Careers camped out. I find myself tapping at my left ear, thinking about the explosion that temporarily made my deaf.

Johanna steers clear of the water and kicks a stone around with her toes. I walk out to the water and stare at my reflection. I don't know how long I'm there because when Johanna is tapping me the sun is going down. "Time to go," she says

I nod and she heads back to the car. I keep staring at my reflection and find myself staring at Katniss Mellark, not the sixteen year old girl who volunteered for her sister. I see a girl who killed innocent people but still saved thousands. But I don't want to see a Mockingjay. I don't want to see Katniss Mellark. I want to see the girl Gale had been best friends with. I fall to me knees in the water and dig my fingers into the mud under water. I start to rub my face and hair in my dirty hands, then wipe the remains on my clothes. I stand up again to see my reflection. It doesn't come. The sun has gone down. My flames have burned out. The mockingjays aren't singing. I feel like I've died.

"Katniss? Effie's getting impatient," Johanna says timidly from behind. She must have come back. But I want to be alone. I want to die alone.

"Let her be," I snarl, still standing in the water, my back to her. "As a matter of fact, all of you go. I hate them all. I hate you. I hate the Capitol. They stole my soul. ALL OF YOU FROM THE GAMES AND CAPITOL STOLE MY SOUL FROM ME," I scream into the air.

I wait for Johanna to snarl something back so I can hit her in the face. I'm mad now. At everything. At myself. But Johanna is silent. I tell myself she's left like the rest of them all but instead I see the water more below me as Johanna slowly wades over to me. She's shaking a bit because of her phobia of water but she gets right up into my face with a dark look on her face.

"Listen up Katniss. You wanted to come here. You wanted to see it again. You didn't have too either. So take it all in because what's done is done so quit being a damsel of distress because you asked for it. Quit hating everyone, and quit hating me because I came here for you."

I'm out of words.

Johanna grumbles and grabs me by the wrist. I squirm but she puts me in a headlock. "Knock it off! I'm trying to clean your face up so Effie will let you in her car," she says, wiping my face and hair with her sleeves. I sigh and take my dirty jacket off and throw it ashore. Johanna takes her dry jacket off and wraps it around me. "Come on. I think Effie knows what will make you feel better."

* * *

><p>We drive through the parade route we took for the chariot ride in the Games that leads to the Square. Effie pulls up in the center and we get out. I look up and stare at the haunted mansion that once housed President Snow. It's abandoned now and overgrown but I can still feel the darkness around me. I turn to Effie and Johanna. "Why did you bring me here?" I say, gritting my teeth.<p>

"Look closer," Effie says quietly.

I force myself to turn to the mansion and look at the windows. Each window has a boxed garden, and they're overflowing with blooming primroses. I widen my eyes and step closer to the house, slowly climbing up the marble steps. I then look at the plaque boarded on the door. _In special memory of Primrose Everdeen, who reminds us all that there is always a little light in darkness. _The sweet scent of the primroses fills the air. It's true. Prim turned an ugly horrid place into something beautiful. I place a hand on the plaque, tracing my fingers around the letters of her name.

"I'm sorry things turned out the way they did," I say quietly. "I miss you, little duck. But the suffering is over now. Sleep tight."

I turn around and head back down the stairs and find myself standing by Effie and Johanna. "Who did this?" I ask quietly. I want to thank them.

Effie swallows and touches my cheek. "You're going to go see him soon."

I suck in a sharp breath and Johanna says, "Gale."


	7. Chapter 7

"_Where did Gale go?"_

"_District 2. Got some fancy job there. I see him every now and then on television."_

Sometimes I wonder if I am claustrophobic. Because these train compartments seem to be getting smaller and smaller, and Johanna is taking up all of the room. And considering we are boarded on the train that leads to District 2, I feel like I'm breathing up all of the air and the world around me is closing in. I find myself tying knots with Finnick's rope, not viciously so that my hands would bleed, just enough to keep my mind off of things as the rope went through the loops. Johanna tosses and turns in the seat across from me, until the train takes a big turn and she flies out of her seat, landing on the floor.

"Eugh…" she said, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She rolled over and sat up, climbing up next to me. "Still can't tie your own shoes, Mellark?" she smirked.

I bite my lip and set the rope in my lap, tracing patterns on it with my fingers. "Thanks for everything Johanna."

"What do you mean?" she asks, raising her eyebrow. She's awake now.

I look at her. "You helped me get this far. You're the one who cut the tracker from me, didn't give any information, got me up every morning to train, came with me on this wild-goose-chase, and knocked some sense into me."

"Oh shut up, flattery gets you know where," Johanna says. And she's grinning. I smile back and stare out the window as she speaks. "Are you sure you can do this?"

I sigh and watch the early sky. Not even dawn yet. I sigh and grip Finnick's rope. "I have to do this Johanna."

"Actually, you don't," she says matter-of-factly.

"Not helping." I stare at the rope for the longest time, before I pick it up and put it into Johanna's lap. "Can you give this too Annie? It was Finnick's. It helped him keep his mind in control while you guys were at the Capitol. It's helped be a lot over the past weeks."

Johanna picks the rope up by the loop at the top. She dangles it just above her eyes as she spins it with her fingers. "Sure you can make do without it?"

I have to try. But this rope is my escape from my mind. The one thing I cannot escape. This rope that has Finnick's and my blood engraved within the strings; this rope that made it through dark times. This rope that has helped cages me. I have to let go. I sigh and smile lightly at Johanna. "Yeah, I think I can tie my shoes without practice now." Johanna smiles in approval.

Vick Hawthorne is waiting for us at the train station when we arrive at District 2.

Rory and Vick returned to District 12 for a few years but as soon as Rory turned 17, he left for District 6 to aid in medicine. I cut the fact that Prim and Rory had been best friends and would play doctor on days when children could sometimes be children. But from what I heard, he married and has a few children. Vick never married and at eighteen he went to work in District 2 for the Panem Restoral Movement. I step out onto the platform and we scoop each other up in a hug.

"Thank you so much for coming Vick, for doing this for me," I say. I don't know what else to say, there's so much but words can't define what my heart wants to say.

Vick smiles at me. "It's not a problem Katniss. Gale wanted to see you, but I'll just leave that for later." Vick looks at Johanna. "You're the one who was calling everyone in District 2 for a Rick Hawthorne?"

Johanna glares at him. "Shut up _R_ick."

I give Johanna a look before returning my gaze to Vick. He looks so much like Hazelle, except for his father's eyes and smile. I've missed this kid. "Vick," I say.

Vick simply nods. "Right. Let's get going."

_The thought of mine collapses and my father's death comes to mind._

"_The Nut's an old mine. It'd be like causing a massive coal mining accident," I argue._

"_But not as quick as the one that killed out fathers. Is that everyone's problem? That our enemies might have a few hours to reflect on the fact that they're dying, instead of just being blown to bits?" Gale said sternly._

"_You don't know how those District Two people ended up in the Nut. They may have been coerced. They may be held against their will. Some are our own spies. Will you kill them too?" I asked._

"_I would sacrifice a few, yes, to take out the rest of them. And if I were a rebel spy I'd say "Bring in the Avalanches."_

_His death trap. His war mode. His bomb. But how could he have known what would happen next? These were the Games… only the arena was life. And Gale never lies…_

We drive through the green valley of tall sweet grass, as the purple peaks are lightened in the distance. The sun is coming up so I feel the ways touch my bare skin from the back of the car. Johanna is riding in the passenger seat as Vick drives. I have Gale's bow extended across my lap, and I feel myself getting anxious. This was it. Vick was taking me to him. So I could make my amends with him. So things would be the same as they were. Or at least so I hoped.

I think back to my last glimpse of Gale on the day of my wedding as he slipped through the trees. The emptiness that filled the woods after he left torments me. It's no longer our woods. I can't bring myself near it without my emotions of anger, sadness, and joy kicking in. I don't want to feel any of that. But I feel like I'm missing something. I tighten my hand around the neck of the bow; my other hand is right over my heart. It's pumping hard.

Vick turns and we head up a small road that he says is Gale's favorite place in District 2: The place where he is at this very moment. The road is winding, and there are sheep in the fields grazing. The purple mountains with snowcapped tops glow, as the sun appears from behind the hills. Vick and Johanna are speaking quietly in the front using hushed tones, but I wouldn't hear them if they had been screaming because Vick has now stopped the car.

My hand reaches for the handle and I slowly pull as the car door clicks open. I lightly use my feet to push it open and step out onto the grass. The morning breeze tickles at my hair and neck and the mountain smells like life. We're standing up on a ridge that looks over a small river, the mountains just behind. The sun rises high up into the sky and I look over to the edge of the ridge and I see him. Right there. I wait for that essence of apple wood, oranges, and leather to fill the air, waiting for me to absorb it. But it doesn't come.

_We were still in our house in the Victor's Village, just a day after I had gotten married to Peeta. All of the guests, family, and friends had all left back to their homes and Districts and things as usually went back to normal, people roaming through the market and the square, and the secrets that swarmed from corner to corner. Peeta was working at bread dough on the table while I had been working on the new task Effie had given me. Writing thank you letters too all of my guests._

_In my opinion, I found that to be a cheap way of giving thanks._

_But then we heard footsteps outside, three pairs of footsteps. I stood up and pushed the curtain away with my fingers, peaking outside and I saw Haymitch leading with a stern look on his face. Hazelle and Posy Hawthorne followed behind, Posy still fairly young. I opened the door as soon as I saw them and they came in._

"_We need to talk. All of you sit."_

_Haymitch sat at the head of the table, while Peeta and I sat to his left, my hand in his. Hazelle sat at his right, her arm around Posy. Haymitch cleared his throat and told us._

"_I got a call from District 2 today. There was a hovercraft accident. It somehow lost connection with the radar and got off course. They found it crashed in the woods just outside of District 12 today. There were no survivors."_

_It takes ages for it all to set in. At first I find my head spinning as I try to reach for my sighting of him in the woods and my last encounter. But they seem to be slipping away. Posy is in tears at this point and Hazelle is trying her best to be strong. Peeta comforts me but I'm so lost. He can't be dead. He was alive just yesterday._

So here I stood, staring at the grave of Gale Hawthorne.


	8. Chapter 8

**This is a fairly short chapter. But I just wanna say that this story is ending soon. One or two more chapters. Just bear with me for a bit longer. ~Katniss Everdeena**

_As the Peacekeepers were dragging him away he mouthed something to me. I didn't know what it was until he told me to run. They pulled him through the door and were already disarming him. All he had asked was for me to shoot him. Maybe if it had, things would be different now. _

The beauty of the valley has vanished because all that I can see is the headstone that has Gale Hawthorne carved into it. I make my way to him and get onto my knees, holding the bow out.

"Hey Gale…" I whisper. "It's me. C-Catnip. Your hunting partner. Your best-" I choke up and I can't even bring myself to say it. What am I too him? What was I too him? "Thank you Gale, for having my back until the very end. Even if I hadn't wanted it, you were there. You never left me then. Even if I try so hard to believe it, or tried so hard to cut you out, you were there."

A breeze comes by, blowing air in my face. My hair flies back and I'm on my knees and hands, trying not to be sick. I force myself to speak. I have to do this. I want to do this. "I know it wasn't your fault. What happened… to Prim. Coin used you. She used me. She used all of us." I think back to when we were in the Capitol, staring at President Snow's abandoned home. I think of the primroses. "I know now. She was a sister to you. You helped me remember. You never let us forget…" I tell him. The silence around me is calming, even though I know Vick and Johanna are right behind me.

I rub my hand on the mound of dirt where he is buried and place my cheek to the ground. Tears roll onto the dirt. "I love you. I love you so much." Nothing that happened matters anymore. I do love him. And I want to be with him while he tells me it's all going to be fine. I want to hear things I can believe because Gale never lies. "Why are you gone now?" I ask him. Maybe I took advantage of it all too much. Or I didn't take enough advantage. It seems my choices destroy me even more. It seems like my senses don't work. I lie over where he is, trying to think of the boy and the girl who met in the woods, the boy and the girl who wanted to run away together if things may have been different, the boy and the girl who had each other's back. The boy who wanted the girl so bad and the girl pulled away from his reach. The boy who died, and girl who now wanted him so badly.

I sit up and wipe my face, and stare at his bow. I think of all of our adventures in the woods and when we were hunting. I think of that day before the reaping when he had that loaf of bread from the bakery with an arrow inside. I think of how we should have run away. If not the reaping day, then that day when he told me he loved up, up in the secret lake cabin. I turn my head around and stare at District 2. I kept telling myself I hated Gale for what he had become, from being my hunting partner to becoming a warrior. But he wasn't the only one who changed. I changed and I hurt him countlessly. We both are gone. Gale isn't here. I think of what Hazelle told me, about returning his bow to him. Gale isn't in District 2. Not really.

I turn around and look at Johanna, nodding. "He isn't here. Like me, he is in District 12. With Katniss Everdeen."

It's like we left ourselves behind in District 12. Who are we supposed to be?

_My name was Katniss Everdeen. I was a girl from the Seam who lived by my wits and hunting skills back in District 12. When I was sixteen years old my life was stolen from me. _

I'm going back because everything I'm looking for is where it all started.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" Johanna asks me. We're in the Square just in front of the Justice Building. The train leaves in ten minutes.<p>

I smile and put my hands on her shoulder, staring at her. "Johanna, you've done so much for me. I don't know who you can stand me," I chuckle. "This is where we say goodbye. I go on alone now."

"But you're just going home," Johanna argues.

I sigh. "And it's going to be one of the hardest things I'll probably ever do in my life." I give her a long hug and Vick brings my bags out of the trunk of his car. Gale's bow is strung to my back. When Vick comes I let go of Johanna and give him a hug. "Thanks Vick. You should reconsider paying a visit to Twelve. Posy and Hazelle miss you," I say sadly.

Vick chuckles. "I'll consider it. Good to see you Katniss. Sorry that you didn't find what you were looking for."

I shake my head. "I did though. I just can't believe it took all of this to realize it." I pull away and grab my things, and look to Johanna and Vick. "I'll keep in touch. It won't be fifteen years before you here from me again, I swear on it."

Johanna smirks. "Good. Because I'll hunt you down."

I laugh. "You can't hunt a hunter, Mason."

"You'd be surprised, Everdeen."


	9. Epilogue

As I lie here in our spot in the woods, just outside of District 12, for the first time in years I don't feel so alone. Maybe it's because I know Gale's here in the woods with me, or maybe because I've paid my debts off. But there are still a few things I have to do. One: Find a final resting place for Gale's bow. Two: Open the letter.

That's right. I climbed up into that tree and there it was after all these years, protected from the summer rain and winter snow by moss and spider webs and leaves, it's still there. That envelope that I didn't know what was inside. I don't know how long I've been out here. I got off of the train and walked here in the dark of the night. It's been six hours. Or seven. Maybe eight?

I look down at the weathered envelope in my lap. I trace my fingers around the edges and then trace around Gale's bow. I inhale the cool air and close my eyes.

_I'm sitting on the train, coming home from the Hunger Games. My thoughts are unbearable. The closer we get to Twelve the more lost I feel. I don't know how I'll be able to stand it. My homecoming. Will Gale be there waiting? Is he mad? How will I explain this all? Does he have a girlfriend and moved on? Do I care?_

_The train has stopped. We're in District 12's station. Just beyond the doors, the cameras and people from my home await for their two victors. For the starcrossed lovers of District 12. _

_Peeta appears and offers his hand, a sad look in his eyes. "One more time? For the audience?"_

_I blink, out of words. Too scared to breathe for I may fall apart. So I take his hand and the doors open. _

_We're engulfed my cameras and people, and the crowds are so loud that it feels silent. I'm looking around the platform, sweating, as I see my mother and Prim. When Prim jumps into my arms, I almost lose my balance from being disorientated by my thoughts._

_Then a reporter says. "There you are Miss Everdeen! Your family and cousins have been waiting!"_

_Cousins? What cousins? I look at my mother puzzled, but the people clear out, and there's Hazelle, Rory, Vick, Posy… and Gale._

"It's time…" I whisper to myself. I flip the letter over to the back and use my nail to cut at the flap when I stop. Something's not right. Gale should be here. Suddenly I feel lost, like he's gone again. I start sweating and I grip the bow so tight that my knuckles are white. When I look up, it's no enemy, animal, or friend. It isn't Gale. It's Rina.

She's staring at me, her eyes red and wet. Her hair's back in a ponytail and she's wrapped in my father's jacket. She doesn't have any gear with her. She doesn't have any weapons. She's just here, appearing silently out of nowhere. We just look at each other, and I think we're both walking to one another because before I know it, we are standing face to face.

"I had a dream. I had to come. I saw you," Rina says quietly.

I look at her and our arms fly around each other. "I missed you so much," I say.

"When did you get it?" she chokes out.

"Last night."

"You didn't come home?"

I simple shake my head. "My task wasn't finished."

She stares at me dumbfounded. I clear my throat and blink, as she wipes her tears on her jacket sleeve. She's now eyeing the unfamiliar bow and the half opened envelope in my hands. "What are those?" she asks. "Do they belong… to him?" Peeta must have told her.

There's nothing to lie about. So I say, "Yes." Rina is silent, and the look of betrayal is on her face. I think she's about to turn and run home when I grab her shoulder, my hand sliding down her arm and I lock hands with her. "Can I show you something?"

For some reason, she agrees. Silently without words, but I string the bow to my back and stuff the envelope in my boot and lead her deeper into the woods. She's unfamiliar with these parts and thinks I'm crazy, so she's hesitating, but I push her forward. The trail has overgrown a bit, but I know these woods like the back of my hands. Every rock, every tree, every bush, and every stream. It's maybe a forty-five minute walk as I drag Rina behind me, her footing very silent so it's like holding a ghost, but we reach the lake. As she pushes away a few branches and stands next to me, I think she loses her breath in awe.

It's still as beautiful as I remember it. And it's still as painful. I see my father and a young version of me, harvesting katniss, the root I was named for. I see Bonnie and Twill, in their Peacekeeper disguises. I see Gale, standing with me. And I imagine the smoke in the air from the exploded and annihilated District 12. "I've never shown this to anybody else, but him." I turn and look at my daughter, who's looking at the ground. I sigh and lead her to the old abandoned lake house. I kick the door open and walk into the empty room. I take a minute to light a fire in the hearth and let Rina settle on the floor. I sit down by her and take the bow, setting it in front of us.

"Was this his?" she asks, rubbing the wood. I nod. She is quiet for a bit but then says, "It's so beautiful."

It really is, very well crafted and sturdy. But it's also deadly. Yet this bow kept mine and Gale's family alive for years. I stick my hand into my boot and pry the envelope out. "I've had this letter for fifteen years now. It was given to me by him. I've never read it." Rina looks at me, puzzled. I bite my gums and hand it to her. "Will you stay while I read it aloud?"

This is the moment where I expect her to turn and run. I expect her to be disgusted, for hearing what this man she never knew had to say. This man whom I almost chose over her father. I wait for her to turn and leave but instead, she wraps her arms around her knees, resting her chin on the caps. She's staying.

I fumble my fingers on the flap and tear the envelope open, taking out a folded piece of paper. My shaking fingers unfold it flat and I clear my throat, unprepared for what I was going to see.

_Dear Katniss,_

_I don't even know where to begin. I've rewritten this letter a thousand times, but I can never find the right thing to say. Or I could never find the will to send this to you. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why. At first I thought it was out of fear. So for a while I believed I was a coward. Maybe that was part of the reason but right now, I'll tell you what I believe. I never sent this letter to you before because… I love you Katniss._

I stop reading and I'm breathing hard. Rina's head is up, staring at me. I exchange looks with her before I go on.

_I have loved you, for a very long time. I know I said I started loving you just 6 months before the Games, when we were at the Hob on that day after New Years. But I have loved you for much longer. And I always will. You're the one Katniss. I love seeing you happy. When I saw you walking in your white gown, you looked so happy. And might I add, very beautiful. You took my breath away. But I wasn't the one who you were marrying. I wasn't the one you wanted to be with forever. Even if it hurt, I couldn't let you be unhappy. That's why I let you go._

I'm in tears now, and I have to stop to breathe. I'm shaking a lot and I feel nauseas. But somehow, I manage to go on.

_Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had a choice, to stay or to go. I was going to stay, but that day when I gave you the arrow you were supposed to use for the execution, you looked like you hated me. I believed you wanted me gone. As they dragged you away when Coin died, you called my name. I lost it then. The crowd swallowed me and I felt like a lost soul. What became of me? Because I believed I had become a killer. I did become a killer. There's no changing it. But if I hurt you, please know it's not what I wanted. I love you so much._

I'm sobbing. I've fallen onto my side and my tears have made my vision foggy. I tremble and feel alone.

"Mum? Want me to finish it?" she says quietly. I give no response because I don't know if I can bear any more of it. But she takes the letter from my fingers and I listen to my daughter's voice.

_I loved Prim like she was my own sister. I did everything I could to keep her alive when you were in the arena. Even when you went back for the Quell, I made sure she had more than enough to eat at Thirteen. I never meant her any harm. That may sound shallow but, it's true. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did_

I know it is. Gale never lies.

_I know you'll be happy with Peeta, and I know he will take care of you. I give my blessing and best wishes. All my thoughts are to you both. But from the day I first met you, and to the day I die, you're always going to be the one thing on my mind. Take care Catnip. Thanks for having my back. I hope I'll see you again one day._

_Gale._

The birds have stopped singing and I'm trying to take this all in. These are his last words to me. He doesn't hate me. He loves me. He always did. I love him too. I shut my eyes but then see his face so I open them and see Rina. I stare into her blue eyes for the longest time, trying to regain myself.

_My name is Katni-_

I look at her eyes deeper and notice something. I don't see Peeta in her blue eyes. I see someone else. Those blue-gray eyes that I believe she had gotten from a mix of Peeta and I. But I don't see me, or Peeta. I see Prim's blue-gray eyes, which she got from my mother and father. I stare at her dark Seam hair. The way her bangs fall just by her eye. I see…

_The day before my wedding I came into the woods, thinking about how my future would turn out. Would I be happy, sad, mad, glad? Relieved? Confused? _

"_Katniss?" _

_I look up and there he is, right there before me. His low comforting voice, the scent of oranges, smoke, and applewood, and his tall figure standing right there, just a few feet from me. I jump up and meet him, just like I did so many times in the past when we hunted. But right now I'm angry._

"_What are you doing here?" I growl._

"_Your wedding is all over the news."_

"_You think that makes you allowed to come?" I'm so angry right now. I'm staring at the man who killed my sister. Who didn't kill me when I screamed his name._

"_Katniss…"_

"_Don't Katniss m-"_

_His lips meet mine. I close my eyes and we stand there lip to lip before we pull away. I don't say anything. I just kiss him back but then pull away as soon as I do it. "We shouldn't do this. You're just confusing me." I'm sad now. _

"_I think I should go."_

"_You should."_

_He just nods and turns away, walking off. I stand there, my arms cross when I'm thinking. 'What the hell am I doing?'_

"_Gale!"_

_He turns and gives his half smile and I run to him. Just one last time._

Gale isn't in District 2. He isn't necessarily in the spirit of the woods. But he is here in District 12, in another form. He lives in his daughter. Rina Lavinia Hawthorne. His wedding gift to me. Just the day before he died in a hovercraft explosion. Blown to bits like my sister. He didn't kill her. It may have been his bomb but it wasn't intended. And even if I could change the past, it all would end the same. Everybody dies. Prim would have died in the Games, or of old age, or just how she did in the Capitol. Decisions were made. I did help make them. Maybe not the bomb, but then I think of all of the sisters who died because of me. To think it all started with just a handful of berries. No. It started with love.

I sigh and take the letter from Rina, throwing into the fire. Then I hand her her father's bow. Giving it back to its rightful owner. To Gale. Who's blood is inside of his and my daughter Rina.

"I want to know about him," she says.

I nod and say. "He was one remarkable person." He was. And I'll love him until the day I die. He'll be the last thing on my mind.

**The End.**


End file.
